The Wolfman [2010] (review)

We've all seen the commercials. It was time for a real horror fan to actually go see it. Now, before you read any further, I'll have you know that I haven't seen the 1941 "Wolfman" film, and so no comparisons will be made, and I don't mean to wound anyone's nerd-ego. Expect an update about that in the future.

Anyway, first I might as well focus on the good. The Wolfman is a film based on the 1941 film by the same title (I haven't seen it, but I assume it was loosely so), directed by Joe Johnston.

The makeup is pretty excellent in this film, I mean, as far as it can be. There's no real way to hide the human eye without (usually bad) CGI or ridiculously uncomfortable contacts, but somehow they even managed to cove up that irritating pink rin inside the upper and lower eyelids. Makeup? CGI? I don't freaking know, but it was pretty epic. The mouth is totally mobile in the wolfman costume (or makeup, as it were) and Benicio Del Toro (who does a wonderful job faking an American accent and still managing to speak 19th century English) even manages to mutter a fairly understandable word or two through it. The man is a pretty amazing wolfman, I must say. He's able to exaggerate every movement and expression way beyond human average, and still not manage to look stupid and f**king campy.

Speaking of, it took me a good half hour to realize that Anthony Hopkins was Anthony Hopkins. I don't know what it was, but I blame the full beard. His acting was stupendous, as usual. As for the director, he came up with ways to rather brilliant pass the time between full moons, which we all know only happen once a month...right? Right? He didn't even have to use the Happy Family 90s Montage™. He also gets props for not using many cliches up into the Worst Cliche In All History. I saw a beautiful mastiff (?) named Samson (owned by the wolfman's father) and immediately feared The Animal Dies Syndrome (the cop-out in horror movies where they're too wussy to kill a person and so take it out on totally innocent animals). In fact, not a single animal (unless humans count) die throughout. Not even the one you're absolutely sure is going to.

I'm not so fond of Emily Blunt in horror, so we'll just let that dog lie (...heh).

Now onto the bitter and painful truth. I came out of the movie with a face Chris Hanson would envy (really, why don't you just take a seat...) and I was sorely, sorely disappointed. Let's start with composition.

I'm not totally sure if their lighting guy was a 12-year-old Namibian boy or something, but there are times when he (or she?) fails pretty spectacularly. At times it looks like the wolfman's nose is a piece of glued-on plastic (which it may very well be, but the point stands) and you can see the matte paint around Benicio's eyes, which makes him look more or less like a teenager at Halloween.They also seem to have magical piercing candle light which I really can't explain, but I can forgive as a whole scene lit by candlelight would be pretty pathetic. Also, the GD movie relies more on boo-scares than anything I've seen in a long time, rather than, yenno, plot or design or composition or tension or acting. Yenno. The unimportant things.

For the plot itself, it's exactly what you expect from modern horror. Now, I know what you're thinking: "THE COMMERCIALS ARE SO BADA**" or maybe "I SAW THE BEHIND-THE-SCENES AND IT WAS F***ING AWESOME". I know, honey, I know. The behind-the-scenes clips after one of my mother's horrible romantic comedies (-shudder-) are what made me decide to finally break down and see the GD movie.

Unfortunately, it is nothing like the trailers.

It is to its trailer as Avatar was to its own (or so I've heard).

The prediction you make about a quarter through a movie, spurned on by one of Hopkins' wonderful subtle glances? Yeah, it's true. Even my father (who has the theatrical reasoning of a pangolin) was able to figure it out.

The ending that you're hoping will be new and inventive and wonderful? ...well, let's talk about that a moment. There was a short period nearing the end where I thought, holy crap, this is going to be exactly what I want it to be. The awkward yet reasonable-for-the-19th-century romance can even be forgiven because this ending is going to be real and everyone's going to bitch about how much it sucked because it wasn't mushy bullsh*t.

It is everything that makes a horror guru groan. I mean everything. A tearful goodbye, a tiny bit of blood considering what the entire movie has been, a perfectly-timed death with no spasms or excreta. IT EVEN HAS THE EVER-INVENTIVE AND ORIGINAL OPEN END THAT MAKES TOTAL IDIOTS GO "OMG LYK BUT NAO WAT?!"

I groaned. I wanted to kill a baby and, for the record, there was the obligatory small child with stupid parents at this showing, and the knowledge that she will some day butcher one of them with a knife for the trauma is all that saved her life.

On another note, I have lost faith in my family as a whole. Before the movie my father said that he thought he saw the "blonde sidekick" from Burn Notice in an "awful old horror film". I was confused. "It was called Legion of the Dead or something", he said. Immediately I think, Bruce Campbell? Evil Dead? But, dad! You claim to have loved Evil Dead in your youth! I ask, was there a guy with a chainsaw for a hand? No, but his hand was pretty fucked-up. Did he have a shotgun? Yeah, and he had a car too! It was like he went back in time!

My father didn't know Bruce Campbell was in Army of Darkness.

You are all I have left, my Freaks.